i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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