This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
