I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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