Your face is a jimmy john
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
