dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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