dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I seem to have left my pride at pride
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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