I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
