3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i came on her dog
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
