Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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