Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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