I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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