My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
