Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
