my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
