Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
