My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
