Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
