Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
