I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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