I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
