She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
