I skipped work to stalk him.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
