Don't you send me to vm
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
