Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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