He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
