I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
