Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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