I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
