Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
