U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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