I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
