You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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