if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
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