Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
