WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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