I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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