I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
