Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I came so hard my ears popped.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
