I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
