my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
