I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
