never play flip cup with pint glasses
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
