Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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