Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
