hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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