The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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