I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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