Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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