i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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