Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
In America we eat man semen.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
