ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
