i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
