were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
